I’ve never been one of those girls who’s ALWAYS been in a relationship. In fact, I’ve been the opposite. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life being single. For me, it’s all about the connection with the other person, the click. If we don’t click and have a connection then it won’t work. I can feel it immediately when I meet someone. It’s like an internal pull to that person. It’s a feeling that I have to know them. It’s an amazing feeling. The flip side to that, this feeling has only happened for me three time in my life. I married the first one, the second one I dated for years to find out he cheated the entire time and the third one I’ve known for years but I don’t inspire relationship feelings in him.
I’ve tried to be with guys who I don’t have that initial pull to and it never works out. My feelings never move out of the friend zone. But as a fabulous 40 year old I’m trying new things because girl at the end of the day I’m sick of being single.
Along with seeking that connection, I have a horrible habit of seeing the potential in a relationship and focusing solely on that instead of focusing on the reality of the situation. This self destructive habit leaves me staying in relationships way after their expiration date. Personal relations as well as professional relationships. I hang on to that potential and that’s just dumb.
After the relationship with guy number 2 imploded, guy number 3 and I started a thing. Keep in mind, I’ve known guy number three for over 15 years. I’ve crushed on him since I met him but I never got relationship vibes from him so we’ve always just been flirty friends until we started our thing. I was thinking that since we are older now, he would be in a space for a relationship. For years, we’ve hung out with me going over to his house, having amazing sexy time, Netflix-ing and chilling. He’s one of those people who are just dope and it’s dope to be around him. I focused on the potential of what could be instead of what was.
What was is we were just super cool FWB’s. What I saw the potential of was us combining our households into one, our kids loving each other and all of us rocking out. What he saw was us being super cool FWB’s that he didn’t have to put any effort into.
When I’m into someone or something, I’m in completely so it’s taken me years to see this but my eyes are finally wide open, with him as well as my raggedy ass job. Again, I kept focusing on the potential of my job instead of the reality of it. I’m dope. I work hard. I’m smart. The potential is I could move up through the ranks at work. The reality is is that they don’t value me or my thoughts.the job only wants me to show up on time, say nothing and do the work I’ve been given. That’s it. I’ve done the same with guy number 3. About a year ago, I finally asked him where this was going, that I wanted a relationship, that I needed more. He said he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that he wished me luck in finding love because I deserved it.
Props to him because he’s always been honest with me when I ask. I wasn’t ready to let him go so I continued on, fully informed that he didn’t ever want to be with me, accepting the little piece of him that I could have on occasion. If I couldn’t have all of him I would just make it ok with myself, that me going to see him when he texted for me was ok. In fact, I decided that since guys only ever want me for fun times that I would embrace it! Why look for love when it’s not looking for you?!? So, I found two other FWB’s!
The other two worked out for a good five minutes. Mediocre sex from one, less than occasional sex from the other. Smh. Pointless.
What started to bring me to being done with little pieces were to mini-crises that I had and no one who is more than happy their beefcake was there to help me. Why should I share my cupcake with you when you can’t help me when I need help with something. I texted Mr Mediocre beefcake asking him to come kill a giant bug in my closet. Girl, don’t you know he responded with a fresh “lol”, followed with a smooth “are you serious” and then silence. He disappeared from the convo. I text him back to let him know that my homegirl was on her way to handle it to which he IMMEDIATELY responded with an ok.
A simple task but you can’t be bothered cool. No problem. I got you boo. Done. Since you can’t be bothered to help me please don’t bother yourself with my cupcake either.
The one thing that made it click for me with number 3, is he shared a video of himself releasing his baby batter into a girls mouth. So, logically, I know he’s putting his beefcake wherever he pleases since he made it clear that he doesn’t want to date me so seeing him spraying on this girls face isn’t what did it for me. What really made it click for me that this dude will never care about me the way I care about him was the location of the video. I’m assuming they had their little escapade at her house. What I do know for certain is that it wasn’t at his house.
The locality did it for me because number 3 has never, EVER been to my house. Not once. In all of the years that we’ve been doing this thing he’s never made the effort to come to me. I’ve always driven the 40 minutes to get to him, always. That one little video showed me that he’s willing to put time, energy and effort into other folks but not into me. It’s always one little thing that turns the light bulb on and opens my eyes and that little video was it for me.
That video made me stop living in the potential and start living in the reality. The reality is that I’m sure he cares for me as a cool homie, he’s never intended to date me, include me in his life in any way, or make any effort to be in mine. I made it easy for him to be just a little piece. I made it easy for him to not have to make any effort. He got everything he wanted, why wouldn’t he take it? I’m happily driving across town to have a little sexy time because I click with him and can see where this could potentially go. Done.
I’m done accepting little pieces of people. Done letting what I want be the background while making sure I get everyone else what they want. Done with accepting mediocre. If that means that’s I will remain on Team Celibate then that’s just what it means. I can’t anymore with the little pieces. I want someone in my life who wants to be in all of my life and me in theirs. I want to tell my dreams to someone. To be silly with someone. To build a life with someone. If I can’t have that then I’ll do it on my own but I’m done with occasional pieces.